Issue #28 - Making new friends is really hard
Especially when you are a fully formed, card-carrying adult. ♡
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Hello lovely people,
Happy Easter! I, for one, am excited about Lindt chocolate bunnies (especially the thick part at the base) and enjoying Creme Eggs before they go into hiding until next year. ♡
Last week I attended my LAST EVER Parent’s Evening; gulp. It was an ‘end of an era’ moment (a 20-year era, I reckon) but also the beginning of my Dubai ‘lasts’ which was hard hitting in itself. Then, on Saturday I went to a friend’s 50th birthday party - a fabulous, joyous evening of glitter, glamour, epic music and quite the best dancing that I have witnessed in forever (think Bad Manners meets Kenny Loggins!). It was a wonderful evening, not least because I knew so many of the people there; great friends from now, old friends from early expat days and lots of others in between. I have lived here for such a long, long time and the Dubai community is small, so there are always familiar faces. It really is hard to imagine stepping into a new UK chapter amongst a sea of strangers.
There are times in our lives when we seem to have plenty of friends - school years and college years feel like the obvious eras of abundance, along with any period when our children are young and we are habitually at the school gate or standing in the rain at a sporting fixture. Conversely, perhaps there are also times when it feels like hard work to juggle life whilst spending enough time with people to be able to feel truly invested in their friendship. And not surprisingly, there are also times when friends seem thin on the ground. But it’s also hard to make new friends as a fully formed adult; everyone has a busy life plus it can feel as though everyone else has their friendship circles locked in and there’s no room for new people.
It can feel as though everyone else has their friendship circles locked in
and there’s no room for new people.
Leaving my beloved friends behind when I move to the UK in July plays heavy on my heart. Yes, there’s technology; yes, there will be meet-ups in the future but these are the beautiful people who have been so generous with their time, love and support over recent years and I find it hard to imagine day-to-day life without them. Pondering on this sadness can tip me over into an emotional hot mess in seconds but I’ve begun to give myself a stern talking to and here’s what I’ve realised - almost without exception, the friends I see regularly today are new friendships that have started and grown since my marriage broke down (this post-divorce loss/change in friendships is not unusual, but let’s make that a conversation for another day). And what does this mean? It points to the fact that in the space of a handful of years, I have successfully found a community of friends who feel like ‘my people’ - and if I’ve done it this once, I can do it again as I set sail into my next chapter in the UK.
So let’s explore how I made new friends and what I learned that might help me to do it again. As always, take what you like, share what you love and leave behind the rest. ♡
Following up on leads - a little while ago, I saw a post in a Dubai Facebook group from a lady talking about how hard she was finding it to make new friends. Over a day or so, the post attracted so many comments from women having the same experience. I watched the progression of the conversation for a while and then decided to take action and suggested that we organise a big ‘potential friend meet up’. Yes, there was that hideous stomach churn when I arrived at the venue and wondered if anyone would turn up but it was a success with around 20 new faces, chatting over coffee in the hope of making new friends. It did have the air of ‘shopping for friends’ or speed-dating and it was interesting how quickly we all worked the room and landed with people who had ‘kindred spirit’ potential. ♡
Saying ‘Yes’ to invitations - and then resisting the urge to cancel when the fear or the can’t-be-bothered urge kicks in. I have rarely regretted going to an event/party/dinner and you can’t meet new people in the confines of your own home. ♡
Doing a new activity - when you have a regular meet up with people to take part in an activity, there is so much potential to meet new friends. My fabulous group of fierce women from my gym are now at the core of my friendship group and I didn’t know any of them closely before I joined. ♡
Reaching out to long-lost friends - these friends are not strictly ‘new’ and there can be huge comfort in your shared history. Admittedly, you might reach out and get rejected so there is some bravery required. That means timing can be important - wait until your state of mind is such that you can handle a rejection. ♡
Bonding over shared experience - children, divorce, difficult family situations, an interest in film, a love of The Greatest Hits of Bad Manners (was there more than one?), an obsession with cookery books (on that last one, doesn’t this sound like a great idea). Friendships probably need us to have at least one thing in common and this can be a great place to start. ♡
Putting yourself out there - this one has the potential to score highly on the cringe scale and is not for everyone! I haven’t done this type of thing since moving to Dubai but I do have ‘previous’ on similar behaviour. Have you seen the film ‘This is Christmas’, where Adam tries to encourage the regulars on the daily commuter train into London to get to know each other by inviting everyone to come to a Christmas party? I am afraid that I am the sort of person who might be tempted to try this - feel free to unsubscribe right this very minute, if you are suitably appalled! ♡
Please, please share this email with anyone who might be even a tiny bit interested. It could be just what they need to receive today. ♡
But once you’ve met new people, it’s only the beginning and sadly, there is no quick way to navigate to the point of becoming friends. It takes a lot of time spent together to convert a first meeting into a friendship. There is research that suggests that it takes about 40-60 hours spent together in the first few weeks after meeting for people to form a casual friendship. To transition from a casual friend to friend takes about 80-100 hours of together time. For friends to become good or best friends, it takes about 200 or more hours spent together. These figures probably go some of the way to explaining why our time at school and college is significant for fostering enduring friendships. If we aren’t seeing potential friends at work or at the school gate, we need to work harder to carve out actual time together and that takes effort.
Having a regular date with a friend - I have a weekly walking date with one of my loveliest friends, where we walk, chat endlessly (pausing only for calf stretches and toilet stops) and then head off our separate ways into our own lives. Without that structured spot in our weekly calendars, our meet-ups would rarely happen and growing a friendship would be so much harder. It’s not always easy to accommodate an arrangement like this, but it really is effective, not least because with regular contact you can talk about the small stuff and that’s where we often connect the easiest. ♡
Having the deep conversations - it’s easy to stay shallow in our conversations, but it’s when we venture into the more personal that connection really happens. Jessica Pan wrote about this at length in her book, Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want To Come and I agree so much with what she describes. And if this doesn’t sit comfortably with you, perhaps try it out in your next conversation with a subtle question to gently promote deeper conversation. ♡
Having phone conversations when meeting up is too difficult - I think this counts towards hours spent together. What do you think? I also love a Whatsapp voice message conversation, although I am that person who needs to jot down notes to remind myself what I need to respond on! ♡
Checking in with friends - ‘I was walking the dog and I thought I’d just call to say hi'; ‘This photo popped up in my phone memories and it made me think of you’. Life is busy and there are times when nurturing our friendships doesn’t have to always feel like heavy lifting - a simple check in can keep things moving positively. ♡
It takes effort and time; a lot of time.
We don’t always need an army of friends; just a few special ones.
Having an interest and regular meet ups in common is hugely helpful
Sometimes it needs someone to put themselves out there and that can feel exposing. When it works, the risk is worth the return though.
There are times when it doesn’t work out and one or both of you recognises that this friendship is not for you. There is so much overlap with dating and sometimes despite our best efforts, the friendship chemistry either isn’t there or it fades.
Give friendships a chance to blossom; some of my closest friends are people with whom I didn’t click immediately.
And sometimes friendship creeps up on you when you’re not looking. I love it when that happens.
And let’s share our adventures (including any epic fails) in making new friends here so that we can learn from each other along the way. Life can be lonely and we all need friends along the way. It is great to hear from you, either in the comments or replying to my emails and I always answer.
As always, take what you like, share what you love and leave behind the rest. ♡
Sending you all the hugs,
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