Issue #11 - The 10 friends who saved me

A heartfelt thank you to some special people + asking myself what kind of friend I am + a couple of food thoughts ♡

Oct 26, 2023

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Hello lovely people,

How are you doing? This is the first of my newsletters that moves away from my comfort zone of food and broadens the scope of my writing to focus more on ‘a life reimagined’. I’ve been on a big, fat rollercoaster over the last few years and so I wanted to start by paying tribute to the gorgeous friends who have travelled alongside me with comforting words, tissues, coffee, chilled wine and cake (quite a lot of cake, actually …). As always, I hope what I share might be useful in your own life. Take what you like, share what you love and leave behind the rest. ♡

When my marriage was falling apart, I struggled alone for such a long time. I convinced myself that it was the best strategy, that this journey was so incredibly personal that I couldn’t let anyone else into my crumbling world. Now I see that this was the worst thing that I could possibly have done AND I exacerbated the horrendousness of it all by allowing this period of darkness and uncertainty to drag on and on and on and to be alone navigating through the miserable, confusing mud for way too long. If you only get as far as reading this first paragraph, please allow me to leave you with one important take away – when things get tough, talk to people. TALK TO PEOPLE. Whatever the tough times look like, whoever you are, however strong and independent you consider yourself to be – talk to people.♡

Keeping my struggles to myself was seriously dumb, but at the time, my reasoning for doing so, felt sound; even admirable. I told myself that I was ‘a strong, independent woman’ and that I didn’t want to trouble my friends and family in their busy, stressful lives. There was also the fact that I remained in denial that my marriage was dead in the water and I harboured a secret hope that we would find a way to work through it and feared that if I told anyone, those friends would forever have doubts about our union. There was also a feeling of loyalty towards my husband, in that I didn’t want to be discussing him behind his back. But perhaps the most significant contributor was a feeling of failure and shame – or maybe humiliation, I’m not sure which. And so, I battled through on my own; the many months passing in one gigantic, lonely, muddy blur.

It’s really easy to share this newsletter - it could be just what someone needs to receive today ♡

It's clear to me now that my journey out of the mud and towards starting to create a new future only started when I began to talk to people. Apart from anything else, saying the words out loud forced me out of my denial and, to an extent, lightened the load. Keeping tight hold of a secret can feel honourable, but at some stage, that secret starts keeping YOU and nothing good can come of that.

Keeping tight hold of a secret can feel honourable, but at some stage,
that secret starts keeping YOU and nothing good can come of that.

People are surprising - both ‘good surprising’ and ‘bad surprising’ – and the friends who were there for me the most were often the unexpected ones and sometimes were totally new friends. I remind myself that not everyone has the bandwidth to be a deeply supportive and invested friend – there is a difference between being a friend and being friendly and when we are at our most vulnerable, it’s time to find those true friends. Regrettably, there will always be the gossips who are keen to forage for the sordid details but not be there beyond the first round of ugly tears over a chilled bottle of white. There are also those who fear seeing a reflection of their own lives in ours, so the painful experiences particularly around relationships can be just too confronting. Being a true friend through a horrible life trauma is a BIG job and, to be blunt, not everyone is up to it. And that’s ok.

But if we’re fortunate enough to have friends who can be patient, kind and compassionate with us while we scrabble around trying to make sense of the turmoil and nonsense then they deserve to be cherished.

The friend who listens without trying to fix - I’m starting with the role that I think is the most challenging. This is the friend who sat with me in the mud, sometimes listening, sometimes just being there, but NEVER trying to fix. This is not to say that friend didn’t genuinely want to help but timing is everything when it comes to brushing yourself off and moving on and there’s plenty of good work to be done hanging out in the mud until the time is right.
The friend who ALWAYS takes your side – there were times when I wanted to talk to a friend who would always, always take my side. I knew at that moment, I didn’t want to be challenged or to have my motives questioned, I simply wanted someone to see me, hear me and support me.
The friend who has walked a similar path – there is a glorious safety in sharing with a friend who has walked a similar path; this was where I could reveal my most shadowy thoughts and feelings and have them validated. Conversations with a friend who has shared experiences can be the place to feel truly understood.
The friend whose very presence is like an enormous hug – there is a place for comfort, kindness and for feeling loved. Less deep discussion, more cosy chats, practical support and cake …
The friend who (consistently) reminds you how fabulous you are – I have very strong views about the importance of always keeping a tight hold on your self-worth, particularly during and after the breakdown of a long relationship. Much of that work we need to do ourselves, but having friends who remind you (consistently) of all the things that make you wonderful is like being sprinkled with magic fairy dust.
The friend who is happy to listen to a rant – there are people who rant at every opportunity, but if that’s not you (it’s not me either) I think there is sometimes value to be had from a totally unfiltered rant. I have a ‘reciprocal rant agreement’ with this friend and there’s an understanding that all rants need to be introduced as such so that the receiver is not tempted to try to fix. This is 100% getting the annoyance out into the open and can be incredibly cathartic. I have also found that ranting out loud can sometimes enable me to see the situation with more clarity and (God forbid) even recognise that my initial view was unreasonable!
The friend who has known you for a gazillion years – this is the friend who is already up to date on my life story and who knew the ‘before’ me and also the ‘big picture’ me. This is the friend with history as well as an investment in the future.
The friend who has walked a totally different path – this was surprising for me but there is unexpected value in talking with someone who has no shared life experiences and can therefore only relate with humanity. That is not to say that their perspective is necessarily practical but opening up my eyes to a totally different way of thinking was, at times, insightful.
The friend who challenges you and keeps you accountable – this friend is not conflict-averse and, although the conversations were sometimes uncomfortable, these discussions kept me grounded.
The friend who is fiercely practical and is a great sounding board – once the stream of ugly tears has begun to dry up, there is a lot of stuff to get done and having someone with whom to discuss practicalities in an objective manner is priceless.

The friends who come as a group – there were a couple of times when ‘workshopping’ tricky scenarios with a group of friends when we were all together, really served me well. What helped here was having a few people look at a situation through their own lens and make their own suggestions. In real-time I was then able to take on board the suggestions that I liked and pass over those I didn’t. It proved to be an efficient way of garnering advice and enabled me to get on and take my chosen action faster.

All of these friends were there for me. I trusted them with my most vulnerable self and they gifted me with their time, their kindness and their discretion. Some people fulfilled more than one of these friendship roles and nobody was able to deliver them all. This feels important. People say that it takes a village to raise a child, but perhaps it also takes a village to support us in tough times. I wonder if we need to be seen and heard in different ways as we navigate our way through troubles and if we need people to show up in a variety of ways as we wrestle with each part of the journey.

Talking to people made me feel less alone.
Saying things out loud, although confronting, was often clarifying.
Sharing my story with friends forced me to move out of a long period of denial.
Being vulnerable creates connection like nothing else and I am confident that a depth of friendship has now been forged which would have been impossible during my era of ‘everything’s fine’.
Some people are not able to be supportive friends when life gets tough and that’s fine.
Keep an open mind – sometimes the most surprising individuals turn out to be the true diamonds in your time of need.
Professional therapy is a great way to fill the gaps where friends are unable to deliver.

I wonder if sharing this newsletter with your dearest friends could be a lovely way of acknowledging how much they mean to you?

What kind of a friend am I?

Being supported by such amazing friends has made me think more about how I show up as a friend. I have listened to some really insightful podcasts and discovered some great reading on this topic –

PODCAST - This conversation with Simon Sinek on The Diary of a CEO is so breathtakingly good that I have already listened to it twice! In particular, Simon talks at length about the value of being a good friend and the mantra that he lives by, ‘You should never cry alone’. If I have bumped into you recently, I will undoubtedly have bent your ear about this episode. If you manage to listen to it, you will be so pleased that you did. ♡

BOOK - Elizabeth Day’s new book ‘Friendaholic’ perhaps needs no introduction, but if you love her work and her insightful eloquence, you are sure to appreciate her thoughts on friendship. There is also an episode of her podcast, Best Friend Therapy which discusses the book if listening is more your thing. ♡

BOOK – The Life Council by Laura Tremaine, explores the 10 friends every woman needs. It’s very much on the theme of this newsletter and Laura approaches every topic she discusses with warmth and curiosity. It promises to be a great read - I haven’t got to it yet but do let me know if you read it.♡

What kind of friend are you? Do you have any thoughts to share? You can join the conversation by commenting below or you can get straight into my inbox by emailing me at rachelpage@substack.com.

marmalade & me

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