Issue #25 - Are Singles Nights the answer?
Stepping out of my comfort zone + 3 things I'm loving + a tasty savoury breakfast ♡
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Hello lovely people,
What’s happening in your corner of the world? I tried something a bit different recently which pushed me way out of my comfort zone and I’m excited to tell you all about it. As always, I hope what I share might be useful in your own life. Take what you like, share what you love and leave behind the rest. ♡
Once I had decided that I was ready to dive into the dating pool, I wanted to get things moving. What I’m not saying is that I was itching to find a new partner but rather that now that I had decided that I was ready to move into this new phase, I wanted to actually take action and not just talk about it. I had concluded that while I was still living in Dubai, dating was most likely not going to be that successful for me - the apps were not the answer (the app landscape here is somewhat shady and that’s not for me) and even signing up with a couple of matchmakers had been a flop. It would seem that Dubai men of my age really are only looking for ‘younger’ women, which is depressing but not surprising. I am not good at sitting around waiting, so I decided to focus on building my confidence as well as my skills and accepted an invitation to a Singles Night, organised by one of the matchmakers. Surely, this had to be worth a try?
Saying YES
It was a good thing that I didn’t get much notice about the event, and it was an even better thing that I’d just had a conversation with a friend about the importance of saying YES to all opportunities and invitations. With those words still ringing in my ears, I did my RSVP, paid my money, did a few ‘OMG you won’t believe what I’m doing tomorrow night’ messages to friends who I knew would keep me accountable and I was committed.
STATUS – 75% terrified, 25% excited.
What to wear
I wanted to get this right, so that I could arrive feeling fantastic. It felt like an ‘effortlessly fabulous’ kind of evening and so, I put together an outfit based around a (very old and therefore comforting) pair of skinnyish jeans (with a nostalgic small ink stain where a pen exploded all over me on a flight some years ago); a long-sleeved, loose metallic shirt (if lead was a fabric, it would look like this) with my favourite ‘sleeve garters’ so that I avoid spending the evening adjusting my sleeves and finally, my favourite-ever gold sandals with ‘a bit of a heel’. I forgot to take a photo on the night but here’s one taken a few days later (feeling much calmer). NOTE - it takes me about 30 attempts to get an even half-decent selfie. All suggestions for how to improve my technique will be gratefully received!
I always feel better when I’ve had a decent blow-dry, so I did a sprint to a local salon to get that sorted. I hadn’t been there before – BIG and FUNDAMENTAL mistake. Oh goodness, words fail me – they literally fail me … I looked so odd and not at all like me and there was not enough time for me to jump in the shower and do a full recovery. But hair straighteners and a bit of patience can work wonders and I was good enough.
STATUS – 75% terrified, 25% annoyed about my hair fail.
The facts
The venue was only a 15 minute drive away ie not enough time to talk myself into a terrified frenzy but enough time to play loud music and tell myself (on repeat) that I CAN DO THIS.
The timing of the event was civilised (7pm – 9pm).
There was valet parking. God bless.
STATUS – 60% excited (that is the impact of playing loud, empowering music), 40% terrified.
Initial impressions
The gathering looked like your average drinks party. I think there were about 40-50 people; definitely more women than men (apparently men are often lazy and are less keen on the effort involved in a Singles Night. I’ve chatted to a few men about this since the event – they all agree!). I grabbed a sparkling water and launched myself into mingling!
STATUS – 80% excited, 20% apprehensive.
There was a strong sense of sisterhood between the ladies - a lady who was much younger than me, complimented me on having ‘fabulous skin’; I told a striking woman with incredible, wild and wavy hair that ‘she had the best hair in the room’; in the lift, a bunch of us admired each other’s outfits and talked about the perils of wearing heels (my limit is about 1.5 inches, so I had to freestyle a bit with my contribution to that conversation). We were in this together. It was daunting for everyone. This was not a competition.
‘Warming up’ by starting by chatting to a couple of ladies felt grounding while I got my bearings.
You need to ‘work the room’ – there was a moment, early in the evening, when I realised that there is a need to be proactive and to keep a sense of why you are there. Scanning the room for eligible men, needed to be followed by some direct approaches. I reminded myself not to overthink it and to just do it and at a singles night, we are all there for the same reason, so it’s almost rude not to!
There is comfort in knowing that everyone in the room is single – this made those direct approaches feel not so icky. Still a bit cringy, but less so. In a normal, social setting, I would feel self-conscious walking up to someone and introducing myself, perhaps for fear of offending but also out of fear of an ugly rejection. Here it felt safer.
It’s a soft landing into dating – it feels less intimidating than a one-2-one and easier to slip away if it all feels too much. For me, it’s been 30 years since I was last dating so the softer and more comfortable the landing, the better.
It’s all about the skills – the art of being relaxed whilst also chatting and, most importantly, listening is what’s needed. This requires practice and we can all grow with experience.
Flirting needs practice – I would say that flirting doesn’t come naturally to me, so an environment where it is almost required could be daunting but felt surprisingly helpful (especially when I reframed the evening as a fun social experiment). I’m also conscious that there’s an art to noticing when someone is flirting with you. In one study, participants accurately detected flirting only 28% of the time – goodness, this sounds challenging! I noticed a lot of ‘arm touching’ at my Singles Night, which felt pretty blatant but not invasive. I was, however, wearing a shirt with sleeves and I may have felt differently if I’d chosen a sleeveless outfit. That part of the experiment is for next time.
Letting people down gently is easier when it’s not one-2-one – I would always want to do this kindly and being able to say, ‘I’m sure we’ll see each other again at the next gathering’ is helpful when a get-out is needed.
Dealing with rejection is key – people might be scanning the room during a conversation; but that doesn’t necessarily make them ignorant, ultimately, everyone has come to the event to meet people and maybe you are not a good fit. There will also be times when you are rejected (maybe even mid-conversation) and so a degree of resilience is required.
It’s a hugely productive use of time – meeting a bunch of single people in a 2 hour window is a great return on time invested + you can briefly chat with someone and bid your farewells after a few minutes if you’ve established that you’re not interested.
Talk to friends and family about your Singles Night adventures – the more you talk about this, the more the needle shifts away from ‘daunting’ and towards ‘fun’. And, in my experience, people are fascinated, not least because they are living their dreams vicariously through you!
But take care in terms of who you choose to share with – this is a time when you need enthusiasm, positivity and cheerleading from your nearest and dearest NOT a reminder of why it may never work and certainly NOT even a whisper of a voice of doom.
Will I go to more events like this?
It’s a resounding, yes from me! I thoroughly loved it – I got a bit dressed up; I drank a couple of sparkling waters as I chatted with a whole bunch of people I would never have otherwise met; I was in the car by 9.15pm and home to have dinner with my daughter by 9.30pm.
Deciding to stay on soft drinks and to drive myself was a good move and I shall keep this up. I will also blow dry my own hair next time!
I will look out for events that are targeting people in my age bracket as there were only a handful of men (and women) in the 50ish to 60ish bracket this time. Maybe it’s a young person’s game?
I rang a friend on the drive home to do a mini post-mortem while it was still fresh in my mind and it also allowed me to hear someone saying they were proud of me and for me to feel proud of myself. Everything is progress. Everything is learning.
STATUS – 90% proud of myself, 10% filled with anticipation for the next event.
BOOK - How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury is a fantastic book about the surprising science that will help you to find love. I can’t recommend this highly enough - it is fun, insightful, an easy read and will transform your search.♡
EXPERT - I’m loving the work of Erika Ettin on IG and at alittlenudge.com. She’s a dating coach and shares such helpful and relatable advice
MOVIE – Definitely, Maybe (2008). It’s an old one, but it is Ryan Reynolds at his most sublime AND the plot is unique (as well as being dating themed) AND it delivers enough warm feelings without that saccharine, predictable rom-com edge.♡
Have you ever been to a Singles Night? Do you have any advice to share? You can join the conversation by commenting below or you can get straight into my inbox by emailing me at rachelpage@substack.com.
My daughter, Hella is a fan of a savoury breakfast - it’s about preference rather than anything health-related. Most of the time, she breakfasts on leftovers but at the weekend she sometimes develops her own creations. Here is her most recent -
Hella’s fresh tomato toast
This is a relaxed recipe so I’m taking an easy-breezy approach with the ingredient quantities + this is how teenagers cook!
Serves 1
Ingredients
a handful of cherry tomatoes or 1 medium tomato, roughly chopped
1 sundried tomato (cut out any dried hard bits) - this adds a boost of flavour to even the most tasteless of fresh tomatoes
3 or 4 fresh basil leaves (if you have some)
salt and pepper
a splash of olive oil
2 slices of toast to serve (Hella likes it well toasted so it stays crunchy when the tomatoes are added. She doesn’t butter hers, for the same reason.)
Method
Add the tomatoes and the basil to a small food processor (I love this one). Season lightly with salt and pepper and add a small splash of olive oil.
Whizz in the processor until roughly chopped. Taste for seasoning and adjust accordingly.
Spread over the toast and enjoy straight away. ♡
I hope that there has been something useful and inspiring here for you today. As always, take what you like, share what you love and leave behind the rest. ♡
Sending you all the hugs,
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