Issue #15 - The 10 things that helped the most
How I dragged myself out of the mud and started to set myself up for the path into my next chapter. ♡
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Hello lovely people,
How are things in your part of the world? In my world, it’s my birthday today - so Happy Birthday to me! ♡♡♡
The other day, I bumped into a friend who I hadn’t seen for some time. We chatted, we laughed, she asked how I was doing. I told her I was great (which I mostly am) and she responded with a truly validating statement - ‘But it’s been hard for you, hasn’t it?'
But it’s been hard for you, hasn’t it?
Of course, she was right in what she said, but I’ve made such progress since those dark times that the ‘me’ of today almost feels as though the ‘me' from back then was a character in a cruel dream. There were times in the weeks and months after the end of my marriage when I was unconvinced that I’d ever be ‘great’ again. But as time passed, I noticed that periodically, I was able to lift myself high enough out of the mud to be able to observe how I was doing and notice precisely what was working for me. Identifying strategies, mindsets and people that were moving me forward into a better place started me on the path of believing in my own power and agency. Small steps, for sure, but small was all that I could manage and I was in this for the long haul.
Identifying strategies, mindsets and people that were moving me forward into a better place started me on the path of believing in my own power and agency.
Thank you, lovely friend, for validating that I’ve come a long way and for not trying to sugarcoat the awkwardness of the situation by moving swiftly on. That is what true empathy looks like. ♡
So, in recognising that life for us all, is peppered with periods of navigating the hard stuff, I thought I would share the 10 things that helped the most. And I do believe that these principles can apply to whatever complicated path you’re travelling. As always, take what you like, share what you love and leave behind the rest. ♡
Keeping a tight grip on my self-worth - through the ugly tears of the early days, I was resolute about one thing; I was not going to allow the end of my marriage to destroy me or to define me. I made a decision that alongside supporting my daughter, the preservation of my self-worth, needed to be at the core of everything; especially as losing one’s sense of self is a tough place from which to recover. I find it grounding to be able to identify what is important in a situation and having established my priorities, this helped me to be focused and intentional about decisions I made. Will doing X put my self-worth at risk? Yes - then don’t do it. No - then all good. When friends ask me now what advice I would share with women going through a similar experience to mine, this is my one piece of advice - ‘Above everything else, keep a tight grip on your self-worth. It creates the building blocks for everything that you will need going forward'. And as I scan my list of 10 things, I can see that actually the other 9 all feed this first and fundamental principle. Wherever you are in your life, cherishing and nurturing your self-worth is the most valuable gift you can give to yourself. ♡
Doing it my way - it seems a little ironic in a list of things that helped the most, to be suggesting that you ignore advice and do it YOUR way. But you are the person who knows yourself the very best and there comes a time in difficult journeys when we need to trust ourselves that we understand which next step is the right one for us. Friends and loved ones are often great at advice but maybe their way, is not the way for you. ‘My way’ has been an ever-evolving landscape as I have progressed and moved forward and being willing to change my mind along the way has been helpful and empowering.
Sitting with it - in terms of phrases that I use the most, ‘I’m going to sit with it’ is right up there! I think it actually means that I’m going to ‘think about it’ but those words feel like such a brush off and that is never my intention. What I have really benefited from is not rushing into decisions or reactions and literally sitting with the quandary until my path of choice presents itself. It feels intentional and considered but is also my way of saying that I need a bit of time and space to be sure that I am comfortable with my decision. Try it - it’s a game-changer.
Talking, talking, talking - I’ve talked previously about the 10 friends who saved me, but I want to emphasize that choosing the right friend, for the right conversation is as important as the talking itself. Get it wrong and a conversation can be unraveling rather than healing. And let’s pause for a moment here to reflect on how WE all show up for our own friends - what are our superpowers? how can we be our most loving and supportive when they need us?
Watching my language - in the early days, I would dread bumping into people who didn’t know about the end of my marriage. The conversations always left me feeling depleted, so I decided to pick them apart to understand what was happening. The problem turned out to be simple - through saying, ‘My husband has left me’, I had chosen words that horribly impacted my self-worth and seemed to project me as a victim (ugh). I tried out some different wording and settled on, ‘My husband has left our marriage’ which felt so much stronger and less vulnerable. It was a seemingly tiny change, but, goodness, it helped me hugely.
Writing the script - even though I had adjusted my chosen wording for updating new people about my marriage breakdown, I was still struggling with these conversations. There were two things going on here - it was uncomfortable for me, but even more uncomfortable for the poor, unsuspecting friend who also had the shock of the situation to deal with. I found that following the, ‘My husband has left our marriage’ car-crash statement, with something such as, ‘The loss is his’ (delivered with a warm and genuine smile), really helped to keep things focused on me and also controlled the next part of the conversation so that the friend didn’t have to navigate their response guidance-free. In addition, it created an opening for them to say lovely things about me, which perhaps makes me sound like a sociopath(!) but quite honestly we do what we need to do to make it through the day! Plus we are never losing sight of safeguarding our precious self-worth…
I don’t owe anybody a full explanation - this is important and helps in all sorts of situations. We don’t owe anybody a full explanation. The end.
Putting a ring on it - I had been wondering when I would feel ready to remove my wedding ring. This is different for everyone but there seemed to be something horribly final about this act and I couldn’t imagine what the right time would look like. Then my children bought me a Christmas gift of a lovely silver ring, engraved on the inside with their names (this was the ring). They had taken a guess at my size and serendipitously the finger that it fitted was the ring finger on my right hand. The new ring symbolised my wonderful children and as I put it on my finger, my focus shifted to the good things in my life rather than what I’d lost. Removing my wedding ring then felt much lighter.
Prioritizing my health and well-being - I can’t over-emphasize the extent to which exercise, eating well and trying not to go too heavy on the wine has helped me, both in terms of my general health but also the quality of my sleep. Exercise was my saviour from very early on and I’ve written about it here. I would add that being kind to yourself is an essential part of your well-being so listening to your body and mind and designing your own health and fitness journey at a pace that’s right for you is paramount. But I also find myself circling back to self-worth here - the stronger and fitter my body feels, the more that I feel able to take on the world.
Helping others - Dr Laurie Santos, whose Yale course, ‘Psychology and the Good Life’ is more oversubscribed than any other at the university, talks a great deal about the part that helping others plays in our own happiness. There’s plenty of research to support this but I can also vouch for the fact that helping others when you are at your lowest, genuinely works magic for your mood and the ever-present theme of your self-worth. Perhaps mood and self-worth are important ingredients in the recipe for happiness, but regardless, helping others is a wholesome and positive way to distract your mind and shift your focus when times are tough. It really helped me …♡
In life, the only things we know for sure are that bad things will happen to us all and that every feeling, good or bad, eventually passes. So let’s try to give ourselves some slack, to find what things work for us when we are navigating hard times and to also look out for each other along the way. ♡
I’ve shared the 10 things that helped me and now it’s your turn… You can join the conversation by commenting below or you can get straight into my inbox by replying to this email or emailing me at rachelpage@substack.com.
I hope that there has been something useful and inspiring here for you today. As always, take what you like, share what you love and leave behind the rest. ♡
Sending you all the hugs,
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